MATRIX...!!!

She knows not what to do about it but she has a vague idea about what she feels about it. It's a confusing matter but at times when she dives in too deep into the mind mesh, for an instant she gets the feeling as if she has caught a hold of the unwinding point of the tangled thread, but she losses it again in the passing of a moment. At times, in the silent hours of the night, she wonders if she will ever be able to untangle the delicate silken threads of thoughts, the thoughts concerning that particular matter. The tangled mesh is coloured by all the emotions she could possibly feel, the colours of feelings make it more confusing yet it has a symmetry- a fine complexly arranged matrix- but she is not wise enough to figure out the order or symmetry of the matrix! It leaves her baffled and shaken sometimes. She feels like a fool unable to handle all these pure raw emotions and thoughts of a highly spiritual nature. But there are moments when she feels as if she is an expert authority on the matter, as if she knows all about its spirituality and delicacy! She likes toying with her mind and twisting the thoughts into unrecognizable tangles and yet she also tries to sort them out, as if she ever could....!

 

"Welcoming the spring"

Golden, brown and yellow autumn leaves cover the ground. Spring has arrived! The trees have let the old burden fall in anticipation of the new blossoms. It is a time of festivities but I feel grieved, saddened by the fate of the autumn leaves, crunching under my feet as I make my way to the science block. The gardeners will soon collect them in a pile and burn them whereas some will be left for the humification of the soil. I can imagine their grief and loss but I also know that no one will hear their cries and pleas emitting from the black smoke! ... The fire will consume them and turn them to ashes, the black clouds of smoke will rise to the heavens above, taking the souls with them to plead to the heavens for help. But we, humans will keep passing by never having the ears to hear their cries or the sight to see through the smoke. Even if some of us can sense it, we are not bothered. This blatant ignorance leaves me baffled and shocked at the unawareness of the all-knowing humans, who happily celebrate the blossoming of new flowers and return of colours in spring but never mourn the loss of the autumn hues and the dead blooms!

But a practical side of my melancholic brain tells me that this is the way of life.  Some things have to go in order to make way for the new things. The dead leaves and flowers are not mourned because they bloomed and lived their life and know it is time for them to rest, to leave as if they never existed. But this again makes me think; what about the flowers that are harshly plucked at the golden time of their lives? What about the blossoms that never get to live their lives to the fullest? Was their faith cruel or was it an act of mercy to let them go? 

I can never figure out the answers to the haphazard yet systematic rhythm of life. Maybe the short life was a gift to those blossoms or it might be the cruelty of their faith, but I don’t believe faith to be cruel! I think it depends on our own reasoning and justification to decide whether it was cruelty or kindness! But for making this decision we need maturity of thoughts… which is achieved by very few beings on this planet and once they achieve it these decisions are easier to make. And then gradually it gets easier to celebrate the arrival of glorifying spring without mourning the death of the autumn hues!

Waning Winter!

The chilled winter mornings and fog filled nights are her favorite times of the year. The cold chills the marrow and provides comfort by freezing out all the thoughts and emotions inside her, allowing a reprieve from depressing gloomy moods! The biting cold air challenges her to walk against it to feel alive and refreshed. The fog filled nights reflect her soul helping her hide from the harsh lights of clear starry nights. The hot chocolate shakes in these nights are the best companions and the long sweaters hug her insinuating a feeling of protection. The long hours of darkness save her from the light and help conceal her from vicious beings of the day. She can deal with the demons of the night but not with the snakes that roam around in the day time! The winter helps cover her lessening the absolute fear instilled in her. The chilly mornings wake her up to the fullest potential and the freezing water feels like the force of resurrection pulling her out from eternal slumber! These winter days are the only times that give the feeling of joy and contentment. But now the passing winter is leaving her gloomy and exposed to the harsh light of the approaching summer sun!